After my last post ‘A Bend in the Road’ I felt relieved to come out in the open with my new direction but I’m left with a strange feeling. I constantly feel like I’m cast adrift. I know I’m on a journey but I don’t know where I’ll end up. This is the first time since early 2009 that I’ve felt lost and just drifting in life. In my last post I wrote about giving up on the unrealistic goal of becoming a Renaissance academic but now I’ve pretty much giving up on the idea of being an academic altogether. The strange thing is that feels okay now. I was pretty upset about it back in December and early January but I’ve accepted my decision and feel very comfortable with it. But what now?
In a previous post ‘You Can’t Have it All’ I wrote of being torn between doing my studies half load this year or quarter load (ie. About 20hrs & 10hrs/week respectively). I’ve decided to just do a quarter load this semester because for most of January it really hit me how much work is involved in bringing up three young children.
I remember when I had my second child I looked back on the time with just my first child and it all looked so easy in hindsight. Well now I feel the same way since having had my third child. Two children seemed like a breeze and now the workload with three is overwhelming. Perhaps this is just the adjustment phase. My baby is nearly 6 months old and those months have been a blur. My baby has been very sick a few times including for 3 weeks of January. I started to think ‘what if she gets sick during the uni semester? I don’t think I’d cope if I was doing half-load studies’.
On top of this I’m going through a personally challenging period and I have no idea as to how long it will last. Due to this, and a lack of sleep, my judgement has become impaired and over the last few months I’ve made many mistakes, most of them small but also a few more significant ones that bother me. So I’ve decided it’s probably best I don’t post anything new on my blog until I feel I can trust myself again.
Thank you to those who regularly read my posts – I see the stats and the huge range of countries you all come from and it humbles me to have such an audience. I will post again but not until I have something important to say about life or being a mature age student, and I won’t write anything until I can write it well and sensitively.