Journal – Sep-Oct 2014

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Well, after the mix of emotions I felt in August, September and October have been more of the same and again I’ve been enormously busy. So much so that I think life was one big blur now that I look back. The main reasons for this are two fold: 1) we started planning our move back to Sydney in December, and 2) I’ve been furiously researching for my 3000 word research paper that was due in mid October.

DH has been travelling a lot this year. As I’m sure I’ve mentioned before he’s away half of every week, usually in Sydney, sometimes Melbourne, once in Wellington and last week he was away for the whole week in San Francisco attending a major conference. So, with the board’s permission we are moving back to Sydney to be closer to most of our family and friends so I don’t feel so isolated in Brisbane and to leave the humid Brisbane weather behind us. Yes, I know Sydney is humid too but Brisbane is humid on a whole new level and the strength of the sunshine feels like you are being cooked all the time, it makes everyday life somewhat challenging and that’s one that I could do without! We’re all going to miss my brother, my sister-in-law and their cheeky little 3 year old and my son & I, in particular, are going to miss our new friends very much. The two women I’ve made friends with are very special to me now and I’m hoping they’ll come to visit sometimes when we are back in Sydney.

With my study, I’ve done a huge amount of research for my essay, as usual probably too much actually, but I could see just how much I had to learn about my chosen topic. I will probably write more about the process I went through and I what I learned in another post as it was quite a journey for me. But I have learned more about myself and where I think I’m lacking and needing more guidance from teachers.

Once I handed my essay in I suddenly had that feeling of ‘it’s not the best work I could have produced but it’s good enough’, I just needed it to be over – I had let it take over my life! I realised that, even though I was learning a lot about my topic I don’t think I was truly analysing the texts and other scholars’ work very much. When I undertake my Capstone unit late next year this is something I’d like some guidance with. This is the area I want to improve upon next.

The last five days we’ve been visiting Sydney, going house hunting and taking my two older children to their school orientation for next year. Though we haven’t yet found the right house it has been a worthwhile trip. I even managed to go to a lecture this morning. I’ve missed being on campus and going to classes so much! But as I was driving in and realising that I left my notebook & reader behind I started feeling very nervous. The thought of being surrounded by all these young and energetic students made me feel quite fearful, I don’t understand why. Just before I had to walk up the stairs to the lecture room I think I possibly had what could be called a panic attack. I was suddenly paralysed with fear. I actually couldn’t move my legs to walk up the stairs and my body felt covered in a kind of pins & needles feeling and I noticed I was shaking. After about a minute I managed to put one foot in front of the other and very slowly ascended the stairs but it was a very scary feeling. I hope it won’t happen again. I just managed to open the door to the lecture room and saw that there weren’t many students there at all which helped. After a few minutes in the lecture (which I was now very late to) I started to calm down again so that I could pay attention to what was being said and enjoy being there. I forget sometimes just what a big toll this move to Brisbane has had on me. It feels much bigger than it should but you can’t help how you feel about things so I try to just accept how I feel and work with it.

Now that study for the next month will mainly involve the weekly work and revision I hope to settle into a less hectic routine so that I can plan our move as calmly as possible. I’m so looking forward to life calming down a lot after Christmas!

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